Let's me review my 2012

A journey about you and me

Looking back the past 12mths, i have been challenge by lot of struggles and finally, i have come to the ending point and is a tough one as i need to made major decision that will change everything in my journey between
me and God.

2012 and is time to go.

Being of 2012, i did share with some of my brothers that i will be coming back to TPBC to settle some unsolved issue. I'm sorry that i won't be sharing what actually cause me to leave this church after 8 years of wondering time together with the peoples over there but i just want to say thank you for their effort and helping hand along my ways. 

I'm thank God that i have settle all the issue between me and her and silently forgive the sister that backstab me that causes this relationship into the higest peak. Thank God for reminding me not to 纠结 anyone between both party so finally on march, i have clear that with the help of WX and TM to be my withness so that all between both of us. As for the sister that backstab me, i forgive her in my prayer not in person because no point waste my time facing her so that all i want to say.

Love Life

缘起, 你在人海中看到我。缘灭, 我在人海中看到你。

Sad to say about my love life because for the past 1 years plus, i came across very nice ladies but all non-christian so sometime i feel stupid to obey what they say cannot mix together. Lots of my friends scold me lot of reasons but i still insist to obey. I'm not a super heroes to defend myself from all this tempation either i holy man but i really like to start my own family as a old man now. How long or will there be ?

青春不长在，抓紧谈恋爱

Agree ?

2013, what next ?

Many things in my list to do and to complted but to me now is to restore back my spiritual life with him after 2 years of RRR (Rebuild, Repair , Restore) so now is time to see will that be work or a failure?

2013 going to be deadly year for me to face.

刚刚看了非诚勿扰十月的，看到骡骑的手开始动的很多，她被男嘉宾打动了也有一点哭。还是不成功 :(

Because of family value and background, she cannot accept the man answer.

After watch so much ep, I realize that I thankful to GOD that he help me to unknot myself the pain from my previous relationship.

I'm want to said Ich bin hier, wo bist du?

缘起, 你在人海中看到我。缘灭, 我在人海中看到你。

Isn't that true ? It's was how I feel when I need to give up all the possible ladies I can approach but this might be part of growing up ? I don't know ...

Will remembered this words in my mind

没有后悔要离开因为我真的被伤害了。
过去以来，我以为可以放下来但是我办不到因为我被伤痕太过深了。

I'm can assume is time to go somewhere else where I will be passionate and re-equip myself again like in the past.

8 years in the current place and is sad that I have to leave and to start all over again but if this is the way to learn, I willing to do it.

Bring me back to who am I father,
I'm deeply rotten and time to clean up the mess and be with u

看了《非诚勿扰》，我开始长大了。

Honestly, I was touch by some of the guys whom really paid everything (include pride) to secure a relationship with the females constants even is just a 20mins trying and is great, I like it.

Sometime I look back, am I missing my mark just because I obey and isn't that a bit ... Fine. Just feel sad sometime but have to hide my disappointment and honestly speaking, am I so bad ?

Gosh. Perhaps she not from Singapore but overseas.

Recovered from drought and aimless period of time where I lost my joy in camera and life.

Took 5 months of precious recovery time in exchange of searching answers and ideas about life. Perhaps is a moment of truth that there are some ways u cannot change neither recreate it because is a fix. Honestly speaking, I do have mix feeling between but is life so need to move on.

What's next in 2013 ? I'm thinking I should be enroll classes and courses for my career. Another things I looking forward is more run and climb to prepare myself for 2014 HK marathon.

As for my faith, it coming to December and is also time for me to visit church and settle down (say multiple times) so let's do it.

I'm don't think I still have the courage to ask a GF now neither I can make it unless he surprise me but I doubt so.

It's interesting to know how much change can a person be when his/her affected by various issue. Last night, I dealing with people that is emotional affected by living in fear to rejection. That's life isn't it ?

I'm back and fully back to the person who am I want to be even things is pretty bad right now but i just want to be 你自己.
After crawling all the Fark shit, it just waste my time and no point argue with him since he won't give green light u see.

Is either I fight or obey God, time will tell me everything. Hello sinful world, here come another warrior fight in the battlefield.

There's are lots of things I wish I can understand but it won't happen. Take an example, there's a computer for family uses but why still use my computer ? For God sake ! Damn.

I'm don't like people touch my computer because when they screw up my system which happen before, they just say "sorry" and to me is "what's the point"? Don't shit with me idiot.

There's so many things happen for the past few weeks and could a kind soul just give me a freaky break ! I tired

2013 is around the corner. Will there be a end of the day in 2012 ? Lots of people thinking about it but they don't say in their heart. Life is about battle against the odds so I still fighting on.

Quite a lot of course or things I really want to do next year and perhaps I miss the chance in poly or maybe even earlier of my life.

Rock climbing
German course
Hiking
Proper marathon training

I'm don't know what to say about my faith right now but I just far and even further than people think. Maybe we are just not a good communities afterall but is a truth story.

Awake the soul been lying/sleeping for the past century and is time to wake up now. The period of pain must put behind and start my new race, day by day is to become a Battlax and become a racer in life.

What's am I fighting for ? I could lost my track in your eyes but not my soul that drag me to hell.

Pa, I need your speaker

Have a bad race in this year king of the road and finish in 2hr 06secs which is dirt slow and couldn't believe it because by average standard it should be around 1hrs 20mins to 1hrs 40mins (base on age group).

Right now I reflecting the mistake I make and also what happen during the race with a high humility level. Some interesting mistake I found is

1: lack of rest (work the previous day and woke up at 3am) < 6hrs rest

2: Not used to such weather for running due to humility level

3: lack of training that kill my leg about 5km and start feeling tired

4: lack of motivation

Next race, SgX bull run. I'm want to break my timing of 30mins clear the 5km. Average pace is 7mins/km and is damn fast !! Gosh !! IPPT also must clear ....

I'm feel tired and I want to sleep for a while before I start to move again or I don't even want to move at all. Tired !

Battle against your sin is tough and I feel I too depend on my own strength.
God tell me to stay with him but when I think about the other problem, I feel he don't understand my heart is actually crying neither my church friends understand. Only my friends knows what happen and they feel why I live my life for him since he give me life, I should fight for myself.

I'm wish I can have motivation to press on and here come 2 photos. A sweetly friend that her smile will just delight my day and the other is a photo of life that I know I fighting for it.

Sad ... I feel restless now

Look at my few past post. I'm spot some interesting words like "alone" , "move on" , "leave" and " settle down"

When I start to look back, I feel this is a moment where my faith put to the highest test ever compare to those issue that already over long ago.

Life is a journey of joy not depress
When things goes wrong, look upon the greatest king that set us free.
He's bigger than we thought ~cam~

Meet up with 2 brothers and share about what I been feeling for the past few months after come back and now in the mid of making decision should i switch to another church.

Part of the reasons is i not moving on after the issue although it has been settle and some hidden agenda which I don't want to type out. Pretty hurting.

Properly around mid nov will start to visit churches again and hope I can find a place where I can learn and seek back my desire. I'm do hope I can stay on but looking at long term, it will just drag thing longer.

Lets me pray first.

开始大战了。我开始有点累了。

What wen mention is true. Are you living to who you are or living others expectation in this life ?

You live your own legacy, not for others to judge but you live for it. What's others is others not yours, end of the day, u write the storybook ~cam~

When he start to peel off 1 by 1 of my layer, I feel ashamed while also disappointed because of some issue.
I'm hate to be alone but look like there's no others choice but to accept my destiny...... Need to recharge for sure but now is I just want to tears for my both eyes dry up.

This thought have been in my mind for very long time and is time to make a decision soon or later. When I decide to come back to my old church, the first few priorities are the following

1. Settle my conflict with her
2. Pastor for counseling
3. Settle down and fellowship if can
4. If no 3 fail, time to move out
5. Find a church that I feel belong.

After a while, I still cannot fit into what is means to be a fellowship place and is time to go somewhere and start new because i somehow cannot move on neither i been learning. Sad truth isn't it and when i call for guideline, there isn't anyone beside me and it seem all of us damn busy.

My question is "fellowship ? We are like damn hanging on the air man"
Maybe is time to move and I been trying hard till I feel lets just stop it.

Thank you ! It's goodbye time and time to visit church again.

Working towards my 1st goal which is own self photo album that talks about my life , my journey and my sadness

My musical journey .. Coming soon

müde und ich vergessen ?

können nicht darüber hinwegtäuschen, meine Enttäuschung.

wünschte, ich kann wieder fliegen :(

I'm feel depress when my mom asked me that question "When u going to find a partner?" and i don't know how to express my feeling to her my disappointment and sadness. The question is not i trying but the problem lies to the person must be a Christan and to me honesty, this is a game over question. Isn't that true?

Maybe some people feel diff religion can go together but to me, i don't look at short term but long term problem. Am i forgotten by him ? I'm hate to be alone and looking at all my friends getting marriage,

i feel I been fark up my life because of obedient and the worst is look down by my owe brother is really Fark my Life. I'm wish someone can understand my heart and let me cry out loud.

Damn myself Kevin. U really fark your life upside down.

Need to go Photography tomorrow :(
Time to continue my workflow and launch my 1st album :)

Finally, after purchase for more than 5 years of this book written by a local pastor about the conflict and charismatic happen in his church, it reminds me how ugly we are to proclaim this is GOD WORD'S yet is our ugly desire.

The teaching in TR, CHC and more are so WRONG and misleading people to believe "god" but not the GOD Jesus we know when he create us.
Fallen angels !! Wake up now ...

From tortoise to a dragon. That's funny but right now I need to boast myself to catch up the knowledge of waste water before I going to boiler and DI again.

Finish reading the book "no easy day" and is an awesome book ! No doubt !

Another chapter end mean another page being. It's sad when u know your friends relationship didn't work out and most of the time we will is it not making enough effort or not knowing each other well ?

As far as I look back, I feel is the selfishness that kills the game. If one has been putting lots of effort while the other don't appreciate it then what the point of going together ?

It's hard to get someone tag into you and is even harder to find someone putting effort to sacrifice their time just to change for a better.

The hardest pain will be people treat it like nobody business. If people keep asking their "dream" title then I suggest you sleep with your dream because there is no 100% partner in life.

Wondering why God make me go through that period of 5 month that hurt me badly. Till today, I don't dare to find after looking at such a messy and selfish people ... O man ...
But I not gay .. Thank God for that

Life is short and surprises so treasure it before it make it end of conclusion (game over).

When a person close to you pass away, you start to reflect did u do all the necessary before they game over. Recently that reminds me how I never treasure that when he is alive so better do it than never do it like before.

If heart is not alight to his, you won't grown. Something make me think further from where am I standing right now but is it another calling ?

Yesterday witness a great motogp race and I don't know how to say but is quite emotional because I pray to GOd that Rossi will win 1 podium for Marco and it happen !! He's answered my prayer ..... Ha ha

Ciao Marco 1989 - 2011

Need lots of touch up to my presentation or else yesterday one is quite "cui".

3rd person told me he is praying for me that God will bless me a partner.
I'm shock but is too impossible honestly as I must be right with GOD first before this come in but I still struggle till now.

One sis actually hint me something that cause me to think deeper onto the root ..

Shift starting next week and going to be challenging and excitement. Lots of things been delay finally is on the track again so which mean busy time again.

This saturday will be sharing some photo tips and testy but I hope people will appreciate photography than anyhow shoot. The more I people see anyhow snap, I feel sian ..

Photographer hewet

How to forgive ? He treat us like shit and I hate people bullies my family and worst part, he is my damn brother.

The wife also another gonecase and please don't claim yourself a Christian.
I'm will scold you upside down till you know who is God JEsus CHrist and God is good but we fail him so do u.

Just post what I say yesterday about my journey inside a train, someone suddenly having asthma attack.
Thank God he is ok as he bring along his "blow" device with a Malay guy assist him while me and the other guy pick up the photo that lay on the floor.

The disappointed part is I see all those people standing simply watching without giving any help. Damn. Are they freak out or don't care ?

Anyway, I shock that I do clam till like nothing to me ... Gosh .. I mad

Now is waiting, preparing and another waiting. Lots of the plan been postpone due to work shift haven't start yet.

Getting tired but sometime if I look back during my journey inside the train, I learn how un-peaceful we are and is like drama to me. You see people doing nonsense stuff , chat so loudly until u want to wack their idiot face or they sleep like nobody ways.

I'm start to pray (recently started) that JEsus will guide me to the joy and peace before and after the day end.
Anyway, I walking alone (it's ok actually) so got brother beside me anot is nothing to me although people keep saying must have cell group and etc but I ask back "where is the love?"

If words without action, is nothing.
if u care a person, an SMS wont kill your day, U might save their day but somehow only those people believe faith require believe plus action then they will do it but those simply believe praying as waiting will never earn back a person heart unless they try till cannot.

Nick Vu taught a lesson I agree.
We must shown then your concern even you pray for them.

Bought 2 good books last saturday plus went to gundam fair and IT show.
Gosh, it was happening and delight day with my best buddy aka wen.

Share with wen is like nothing to be filtered because we trust each other and this is what I call true friend whom truly understand you. Told him that mom is pressure me to find a girlfriend but gosh, I trying but to find a Christian girlfriends is like hell and ..... .....

I'm really hope but am I praying enough or I just far from standard?
Sometime I feel sad when mom ask me that question but what can I do ?

Dart question isn't it.

Rain after rain and still rain. That's just make me remembered you more because of your samurai spirit.

Recently my friend whom offended me SMS and check out how am I doing, I didn't reply because you show no respect to a human being. Fark off.

End up, he ask what he did wrong and I screw him upside down till he nothing to say. If you dont know how to speak nor keep saying sorry is just an excuses to me.

if you don't know what happen and start saying sorry is something like u don't know anything. He's have screw up this friendship and will never be the same as before.

Anyone think "suaning" is no limited, please screw yourself. Thank u

Slowly and building back where should I been heading to in life. Reading back the book called "the last generation of christianity reminds me reality truth that lots of us ( youth or adult ) don't know who Jesus is and believe Christianity like no others. How many of us fail from here ?

Now is repairing and applying period.
My prayer now is to teach me find back where I stop and where I should continue. God be with me. Amen.

Back to marathon training. It's been a long time since I stop running for recovery, busyness and mind peace.

Recent raining reminds me a lot of Ben that pass away in 2008 because we choose a song call "tears-X Japan" to remembered this childhood friend.

4 years have pass and he still live in my heart and also Marco dead (GP rider), it make me realize life is full of uncertainty and want to do as much as I can but time I realize I lost because am I working myself or for Jesus.

It's was Elene help me to find back part of the puzzle because if God send me to Jurong island and work, that mean distance and by cont work in water , it mean skill set so next is ?
Go and make disciple so that they know who is your master that love you unconditionally ?

True enough

It's time to get serious and dirt serious about between a Christian and a disciple meaning. Yesterday sermon was a wake up call to be honest.

Honestly, my heart is "crying" during the sermon because who are we?
Feel lost in time and guess only he can build back my lost zone ...

Meet up with x ITE ministry gang and I love it because everyone grow up and some even attach which is a good news. Our special guest da Jie came and we have a nice chat and really a nicest chat I have !! Told her what happen the past few years issue include my break up , back to church after leaving for a year and witness Marco dead in sepang circuit that changes my prospective in life.

Im told her I still looking for a church that I hope to adept to because i feel lost in current church (need to look for a place to fix my spiritual life plus I stop learning or things changes).

Slowly and bit by bit ...

I'm sleepy and I need a good break.
Perhaps a long vacation or send me for volunteer work might help me a lot.

This year totally cannot go for any relief trip due to career path change plus full of work on hand. If u don't work hard, where will your money come ?

I don't depend on others neither I want to because I can work and my hand is build to work.

Recently came across an Christian article talking about finding the right husband. I'm not against it but most of the point is far from possible to get such person especially in this practical world and I just want to laugh ...

As for me, I can't even like the one I prefer so don't talk about Christian ladies that I don't fit into their shoes so I should say "game over" ha ha

Rather now I focus on my life and be the man that fight for his future. People's keep saying have faith but I say how long ? yet Jesus say how much u truth me and everyone knows their answer in their heart.

My 2 cents comment

People tend to screw up when they thought they can speak to their friend like the usual past way but when they speak to the person limit of endurance and realize it, damn too late. U damn screw up and shit it, my friend.

Don't think everyone is the same neither feel people won't change. When you damn it, you got the shit.

Not sensitive enough towards other feeling is the biggest problem in communication.

Better learn before u screw up even more.

The craziness right now is I fighting life like I used to in the past but at least is clearer than before.

Another day have pass so another pressure test being and is tougher and hungrier than ever. Only CHrist can block it before is too late.

What a unknown feeling right now

I'm learn a lot from people around me regret less their age and religion behind it and I thankful because they make me realize the reality about the other side of life.

There's always a give an take in life but how many of us rob away this gift ?
Through I have fail and fall yet I climb up once again and to proof there is no fallen angels in his eye unless u choose to be like one

If God send his son to taste what is a human life then I feel is justified to say he love us that why we need to train to be like him. Of course not all want to because is the sinful central heart that fallen God plan

Set your path right in his eyes.
We once lost but yet found and his sacrifice his life for his people's.

Great motivation by him again.

Forgive others is equal to forgive yourself ( you set yourself free from sin)
and this is what Cs Lewis taught me yesterday in his book.

There's one part I cannot do is talk to the person again because of what they did to but Jesus said love your neighbor is also mean love your enemies too and if he fail to show, it means he still showing and forbidden the mercy side of Jesus Christ.

*Brilliant quote*

21 to 42.195 and now 16.8 to 42.195.
Marathon is happiness and self achievement in life so I fighting again.
Tonight register myself and train for it.

If my life is to fight, I fighting for my faith. Let's the legs shine for glory.

Plant my sadness into the soil and years later, it will grow up into a tree with happiness and full of hearts shape

Once he mention in his book, u can lose it or gain it. If a person fail to understand who he believe, he is nothing in his eyes and those put his faith in him, they gain life.
~ CS Lewis~

Whenever people say they care for you, I find it is a joke. Anyway, this is how I feel in my heart.

As I reading mere Christianity, I found lots of interesting stuff that i ever learn from others or the bible.

CS lewis convince me that Christ is real and by saying that, I now fighting my faith back by my own with Jesus helps.

Although I know we need fellowship but my question comes to if others don't even know what happen to you then what the point walking with them?
Isn't it ?

Difference people have difference view towards a problem so i think no point explaining so much since they are not close to you or don't know what happen to you right now. To make a decision, i rather close case than keep dragging without a conclusion.

There's more things i wish to shout out here but find it pointless because is going to be another cool story brother so i rather keep quiet and life goes on.